Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
