I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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