We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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