Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
