nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
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Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
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You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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