my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
The beer is more important than you right now.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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