What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
