She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
