I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
either way he was missing a nipple.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
