I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
