Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
