Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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