I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Come share oat with me in your robe
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
