She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
The Olympian is in my bed
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
