Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Randomize
