so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
