You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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