I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
there is puke in my bra ... again
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
