I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
