Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
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I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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