I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
my sisters under your porch take her home
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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