need another drink. this is the easiest way
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize