the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Rumble strips road head = magical
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
