this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
