A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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