My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
