He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
