first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
