hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I cannot find my penis.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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