I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
