im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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