so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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