I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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