Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
