He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
