Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Randomize
