Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
