I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Randomize
