Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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