I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
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