i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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