i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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