I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
