we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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