I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
id be glad to
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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