What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
