see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
