I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
