Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
