Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
