Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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