I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
