my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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