It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
