and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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