Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
