they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
